Masked Emotion
by Dokuhan
Summary: Robin contemplates the different forms of love he's seen and how they've made him the person he is today. Mentions Batman/Robin and Robin/Starfire


To him, love had always been something very complex. Then again, it was for everybody, wasn't it? A very sought after and deep emotion sometimes thought to be nonexistent. It was never easy, but once you had it you couldn't let it go. A great pain and a great blessing, love was complex for everyone.

In Robin's mind though, it seemed to hold a different complexity. He had felt love in so many different ways that he was never really sure what was real and what wasn't. In seventeen short years he had gone through more than what most people would in a lifetime. He had lost and gained so many loved ones that only a few managed to always stand out.

His earliest memories always hurt the most, the time when he was just Dick Grayson of the Flying Graysons and not Robin the Boy Wonder. As far back as he could remember he always loved the circus. It was his home, his family. He barely knew anything about his blood relatives, his father's Romany background had always been hazy and his mother's family had practically disowned her. What need was there for blood relation though, when circus folk always stuck together?

But then, his whole life was ripped away from him. In one instant John and Mary Grayson were gone and at eight years old, Dick was an orphan. There was no question whether or not Social Services would let him stay with his family, it was simply something impossible. His mother's family barely knew of his existence and pretty much wanted nothing to do with him. It seemed like he was doomed to be sent to an orphanage or forced to live with strangers that didn't even care. That is, until he became Bruce Wayne's ward.

From the beginning it was obvious that Dick was never Bruce's son. Even if Bruce filled out the paperwork to legally adopt him, their relationship could never be father-son or even something fraternal. As Batman and Robin they were equals, partners through and through with no time for being sentimental. As Bruce Wayne and Richard Grayson though, they were lovers.

He was only just a child when it started, could never remember what exact age. Twelve? Eleven? God, he might have only been ten. Fleeting kisses, not-so-accidental touches – sometimes Bruce prompted it, but most of the time it had been Dick's doing. They broke the law they swore to uphold and neither could say they really cared.

One night he would always remember, the night he and Bruce took that big step. At thirteen he had thought he was ready, pushing any doubts or worries to the back of his mind. It had hurt a lot, even with Bruce trying his hardest to be careful, but in the end pleasure won out. Dick had woken up the next morning in Bruce's bed with the lower half of his body sore as he watched him get ready for work. They said good-bye with a kiss that lasted a little too long to be chaste. He knew he was in love.

Never once had Bruce forced him into anything – being Robin, which schools he went to, their relationship – Dick always had a choice in everything. No matter how young he was everything always seemed to have a mutual point of understanding. I could have been just because he admired the man so much, that he would do anything for him and could never say no _just because he was Bruce_.

There was the problem though.

Even if it wasn't meant to be a sentimental role, as Robin he had always managed to see Batman as a father figure. He himself was never really sure how he made the distinction in his mind and he probably never would be. But as time went on the two different roles began to mix together in his psyche and he could tell the same thing was happening in Bruce's. After a certain point they could barely look at each other. Although he rarely said the words, Dick knew Bruce loved him the same way – but how could you love someone if you couldn't look them in the eye?

It had even started to affect their partnership as heroes. The tension between them continued to mount and they would fight over the littlest things. The teamwork that had made them such a great pair deteriorated at an exponential pace. Surely it had become obvious, but since neither of them would talk it over their problem continued to stew.

Their last night together had actually been their best. Two gangs, an attempted rape, a purse snatcher, and the Riddler all in one night – they both had to admit, it was pretty impressive. For once they weren't arguing or avoiding eye contact. They were actually somewhat affectionate after Batgirl made her exit. It wasn't really too surprising that they both wound up in Bruce's bed that night.

The next morning as he woke up in his mentor's embrace Dick felt a small wave of sadness wash over him. In the weeks before he had made the decision to leave Gotham, for the sake of his own sanity and Bruce's. He knew that to save what little of their twisted relationship they had left he had to move on, out of the Bat's shadow, and fall out of love. All he had been waiting for was the chance to leave on a good note, and that time had arrived. But, he found himself apprehensive. It was a "now or never" situation though, a risking never was not an option.

He had heard of a city west of Gotham, if he left that morning and took his motorcycle he could make it there by nightfall. This city, Jump City, would not know Dick Grayson though – just Robin. Dick would be left at Wayne Manor's gate, a first step to moving on. Whether or not Robin and Dick would be reunited was left to the unknown. And with that mindset he bid his good-byes to Alfred and Bruce, ignoring the hurt in their eyes and leaving them to explain his absence to Barbara. At fifteen he was creating a new life for himself.

Robin had been right about making it to Jump City by the end of the day, but he was wrong about it being his chance to work alone. Instead he became a leader and found four of the closest friends he couldn't even imagine having in Gotham.

BeastBoy and Cyborg were like brothers to him. They got along, they argued, they managed to deal with him when he dipped into "obsessive compulsive, anal retentive leader mode" as they playfully called it. Sure the two of them were closer together than with him, but there was still a degree of trust that surpassed being simply leader-teammates. And even if he didn't want to admit it, Robin had felt a strong sense of pride at BeastBoy's admiration their first meeting.

A sister was probably the best way to describe Raven, that was the only way he could really put it. She was the only one on the team that truly knew the details about his "past life" and relationship with Bruce. Of course she had found out most of it during the incident with Slade's mind control powder, and that had pried the rest out of him. But she understood and didn't judge him, it actually felt kind of nice, especially seeing as she could be as private as he was.

And then, there was Starfire.

From the start she had been the closest to him. With a warm smile that could basically be described as contagious, she brought a life into his life. It was no wonder he had developed strong feelings for her. But hurt always held him back, that what had happened between him and Bruce would repeat itself. It had taken all of the events in Tokyo to know some sense into him. Needless to say, he was glad he finally said something.

Despite his liaisons with Bruce, he wasn't a stranger to liking girls. Dick Grayson had had infatuations with different girls in his classes in school. Barbara and he had almost dated for a while too, but that had fizzled out before it even started. This was different though. Robin was certain that if they didn't last forever, he and Starfire were going to last a long time. That is…if he could swallow his fear and tell her everything – and not just her, BeastBoy and Cyborg too.

While they all knew each other's "secret identities", Robin was the most adamant about not delving into his past. Even Raven was a little more open after everything with Trigon, and her secret was much bigger than his! Right? So what was really stopping him?

It was a fear of judgment. That when the rumors about Batman and his "Boy-Toy Wonder", the rumors that BeastBoy and Cyborg continuously poked fun at, proved to be true his team would crumble apart. It was a fear of loss. His girlfriend would be furious that he kept something this big hidden for so long. Was he really ready to risk everything he had worked so hard for?

He had spent two years building a wall to hide himself. Creating a mask of "Robin" that barely let Dick Grayson show through. It was just was just as Batman had done with "Bruce Wayne". Quite shocking that by getting away from the man he had actually become a lot more like him. Controlling and darker – obsessed with a Mission of his own.

And Dick didn't like it. What had happened to the happy circus boy with a sunny outlook on life? The boy who had face tragedy and looked Death in the eyes so many times, but still managed to flourish and grow? He hadn't lost himself in Bruce's arms or when their relationship began to break down. No, Dick had lost himself when he decided to ignore his human side. The day he decided to hide behind a domino mask, costume, and codename.

Because _Richard Grayson _had been the one to love and lose everything. His parents, his family, two homes, Bruce, and finally himself. He didn't regret it, he never really believed in regret – but he wondered if at this point he could ever really be himself again. How much would it change his life now? Could his Titans follow someone who wasn't Robin? Could Starfire love him the same way?

Did Dick Grayson really even exist anymore? Maybe he had hidden himself away for so long that there was no point of return. If that had happened he wouldn't know what to do. He couldn't keep hiding and pretending that large chunks of his life didn't happen. Everything had to come out into the open at some point and it was better sooner than later. If not for himself then for his teammates. They deserved honesty, not just because he was their leader, but because over time they had become another family to him.

Even if you risk losing them you never lie to family. You never hide. You never regret.

But…

"Robin?" Starfire's uncharacteristically worried voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He hand reached across the table to cover his. "Is something troubling you?"

"Yeah dude, you called us in here for a meeting and then you went all spacey." BeastBoy added as a frown crossed his face.

He looked at each of his friend's faces, reading their different emotions. A small smile graced his expression. "Everything's fine…" he removed his hand from Starfire's and lifted if up to peel off his mask, "I just thought it was time I tell you a few things."

* * *

You know, it's kind of unfortunate that when I write something on paper it takes pages but then when I type it out it's only half that length.

Anyway, this is kind of a really important piece for me. I love writing stuff that goes deep within a characters mind, and since I'm a huge Dick Grayson fan in general I love to try and explore his character. We all know the Robin of this continuity is different than others, but I like incorporating little bits and pieces from other areas,

And yeah, I like Batman/Robin, I just kinda whore Robin out in general.

So yeah, I hope you enjoyed and I'd _really _like some feedback on this – especially since it's something I've spent the past week working on just to make sure it was perfect. Thanks for reading!


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